This online journal is quickly disintegrating into a venting platform. I would apologize, but I'm not sure it's read often enough to warrant the apology. Scratch that.

Someone - a customer - startled me into screaming at work today. A customer, a regular, one I see everyday. Oh, did I mention he's male? And this is the second time it's happened THIS week. Once my scream had stopped echoing (it really was ridiculously loud), he was laughing so loud it wasn't even funny. Maybe I would have laughed too, if i wasn't still shaking from the adrenaline rush. I startle easily, people - SHEESH! Is it really that funny?! I have no clue, i'm too busy BEING startled to bother being the Startle-r. My customer, who i see twice a day, everyday, promised not to do it anymore. Don't know that I believe him. But...

Later, I go to visit a house I may move into. The woman who owns the home goes to my church, but I've never, ever seen her before. She asked how my day at work had gone (i'd called to say I was coming directly from work), and I made some reference to the last happenstance at work had been my being startled by a customer.

"What, how did that happen?"

"Oh, I had my back turned and he comes up and says, "BUWAHH!"....and I scream. Loudly. It's the second time it's happened this week."

"Oh- huh. Was he flirting with you?"

"uuuuh...."

"Maybe that's too forward of a question to ask. Sorry."

"Uhhhh....no, no, that's...that's, um, fine. I have no idea. "

Bother...i'd like interactions to be A + B = C....but there's A(x) + B(y) - qz = ?

Please define my variables and hand me my answer.

Do you ever wonder what other people think of you? And no, I do not mean in that, "Oh, no, I bet-she-hates-my-purple-shirt, stupid-eye-liner-color", 14-year-old version. I mean, do you ever wonder what kind of impression you leave on people. I work in a coffee-shop, and it affords an inordinate amount of people-watching, mental-character-sketching time. And i do, people-watch and mentally-character-sketch. So, perhaps this job has warped my perception of how much other people think of me. Then again...everyone thinks about the people around them. It's true. Just admit it. You think about other people. We all do.

Along these lines, I recently started a class at University again. It's time-consuming, but SO fun. Really, I'm remembering why I wanted to do Design in the first place. The interesting thing about this class is that I am the only newby amongst the students. Everyone else has had several classes together, possibly 5 years worth of classes. And I am brand-new to the campus. It's a unique vantage point - I'm The New Girl.

The above stated, let me pull these ideas together. No one can say, 'Oh, that's Megan.' They don't know WHO Megan Is. At all. Thus, I wonder what kind of impression I leave on them. The first class, being The New Girl, I was asked to give a little intro. I speed-of-light said something about having transferred and was re-entering after 2 years, but had probably forgotten a lot of things. My prof asked where I'd been, I answered that I had been traveling and been in Europe and South America.

"What were you doing there? Just....taking a break?"

"Uh, no, I was...uh, doing...missions."

"Cool. Now, why don't the rest of you go around the room and say your names and what your major is, ok?"

The Missionary-thing was out there. SO, there's not much else I can do to be overtly Christian. Seriously.

Then, last week I was seriously, seriously annoyed with my work and have been very, very good about not swearing. Therefore, all I could manage was rolling away from the computer and muttering a very loud, "OOOH, FOR PITY'S SAKE!!"

The gay guy working behind me, patted me on the shoulder and told me I sounded fed up....3 other people glanced up and sort-of smiled (including the one that promises she doesn't swear, but fronts her epithets with letters, instead...constantly).

Perhaps I wonder the most regarding the impression I left behind 3 minutes before leaving. Finally, finally, I asked my prof what he thought of something I had been adjusting for 30 minutes (a picture viewed through a window).

"Ok, does that look wierd as compared with the shadow?"

"No, I think that looks perfect, Megan. Good job."

"HALLELUJAH!!" Yes. It was out before I could stop it. I don't even like these Christianese terms...but they're in my vocabulary, apparently.

The mom across the room, and the gay guy sitting next to her, glanced at me. Mom smiled, surprised. Gay guy smiled knowingly, almost pityingly, and nodded.

I wonder what went through their heads at that point in time. Maybe it was, "Oh, we've got a bible-thumper on our hands." Or perhaps, "How did she get out in the world like THAT?!" Or maybe, it was more of a relief. A return to innocence and gentleness. While the rest of the room is grinding their teeth, or muttering PG-13 and R-rated four-letter words, The New Girl is sighing out in the name of all things Pitiable and saying "Hallelujah".

I do wonder what I left behind that evening....

I had a conversation with a wonderful, wonderful friend of mine last weekend. A conversation that faded in and out, but never really stopped for the near-seven hours we hung out. The type of conversation that repeated itself, yet did not bore me. The same ideas, yet added thoughts as we progressed through the evening and different people entered and exited our time together. Those are the best - conversation not for the sake of communicating some THING, just for communicating, for basking in the ability to talk...or not  talk. Yet, being comfortable. So comfortable.

It was the type of conversation that I think back on and want to scream, "WHY?! Why am I in Indiana for the next few years? Why am I not THERE where conversations like that can occur, where several good, amazing people live and love ....and love and talk to me." The type of conversation that makes me lonesome to remember. Do you know what I mean? Oh, I so dearly do hope you know what I mean....that you have been blessed with at least one friendship that is just so very comfortable, you are lonesome to remember it...yet it brings a smile to your face.

In the midst of our recurring and revolving conversation, my friend related a time when someone went off about hating ---(pointless, unknown blank to be filled by this unknown person)---, and then spewed on him because he didn't hate people too.

"I don't hate anyone. Yes, it is possible. And you know what I know for a FACT? I know that NO one hates me. It's possible, I have that kind of love because of GOD." was how he responded.

What about you? Can you say that? I believe I can. But perhaps not with the conviction of my friend. Not with that bold tenacity. It makes me want to prove it. I can. No, actually, I cannot. Yet, in Christ who is IN me...i know it can be true. Is true, if I let it.
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I was cool last week. Very cool. I let people tell their sex stories, and did not judge. I told  them my own chaste state, and left the details out (not that chastity carries details, but if it did - i would not have burdened them with it). I was cool.

Then I came home. And realized a good friend of mine is probably not as, shall-we-say "chaste" as I would like. And then I cried. Not because it is my fault. Not because I wish I was different, and now I feel isolated. Simply because 'selling out' is so-not-cool. Speaking on one topic about total commitment to Christ, yet screwing around and acting as if the two areas are unrelated is just a cheap way to live.

I want my friends to love God. And after that, i want them to experience His overwhelming love and power in such a way that even their sexuality is laid down. Hormones, horny, frustrated or lonely. Can you say you really trust and follow him if you keep him out of that, oh-so-intimate area of your life? Not so much.

Why do you want His presence, yet control? Why do you invite him in, then stick up post-its in the 'private areas'? Why do you expect his blessing, if you laughed in his face over THIS?!

Why.