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Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Remember to breath...

It's winter. I'm going to graduate in 5 months. Today, I forgot to breath. Today, I remembered Jess. And this post (to be added below) and looked outside at the melting snow as my dad tried to talk me into staying another year in Indiana, and I nearly choked. No. No. No. Please. No. I can't breath, in Indiana.

That post:

I found this post on the blog of a friend preparing to graduate with a Fine Arts Degree. Despite feeling on top of the world right now, I know how she feels:
I won't lie. that sometimes I think about just ditching my current identity and saying screw it to my current references. go to chicago and begin a new & unremarkable life where I meet some nice boy & we have floor to ceiling posters in a ghetto appartment with goodwill "china." I work at a florist and forget I ever volunteered my life for peace corps and tried to do the right thing & wasted money on college & did my best to do my best for nothing. you know?? there is definite appeal in that. besides the fact that by the time I'm incapable of working any longer I'd be totally screwed moneywise & the entire situation would just make me a quitter againagainagain which (still) bothers me. oh, and if it didn't defeat every purpose and ruin all the things I've worked toward at this point. but still, if I thought it'd work and if I had balls, I'd do it. I believe it's called running away. being a runaway. I've heard it doesn't help your insurance, or pay your taxes....
Dear Lord - may i please leave Indiana? For a bit?

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Imbalanced

There's something about charismatic Christianity which gets skewed. We believe that the Lord can give insight, understanding and awareness into the unknown. Gifts of the Spirit. Does he? You betcha!

Once someone has experienced these gifts, it's possible to start expecting them. Well, expectation is appropriate. Why let someone experience something if they don't think it's cool enough to experience once again?....errrr...something like that (or not).

Then comes the pride and the expectations and requirements. And the imbalance.

Sometimes after experiencing insight, we come to expect it. To rely on that "insight" and forget it's from God. A gift. To direct us back to Him...not the excitement over unexpected knowledge. We forget the giver. Then, when we fail (which assuredly we do on occasion) we wonder why we didn't rely on our insight. How we, with the deeper understanding, missed the clues. We have God. And discernment. HOW could we miss this?

Where does fallible humanity come into play? Where does the realization that we are only humans, serving (not taking the place of) a powerful God? Where does forgiveness over confusion fit into the excitement over gifts?

Balance. I need balance.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Reality check

Last night I came face-to-face with my humanity. My selfishness. My bitteerness. A friend asked for help and all I could think was, "But, where were you when I needed help? Where were you when I was suffocating?"
Someone else helped me. Someone else is helping me. Do I have any unmet needs? No, not one.
Yet, I wanted her and she wasn't there.
Yesterday afternoon I would have said I was fine with how things turned out. I would have said this was good and I was at peace. Then when I was asked to be a good friend, I realized just how hurt I've been. How much hurt is buried inside.
It's not a pretty sight. Good for me to realize, but ever-so ugly.
My pride is being severely trimmed. Obviously I needed that. Lord, how much I need YOU.

Friday, 03 September 2010

Told

I was told (told, not suggested) that I "need" to start dating. Indeed. I'm confused.

Why? I asked.

Because you need companionship. I think it would be good for you.

But, I'm ok being single. This is good for me. I don't need a guy...and time. When would I have time to develop a relationship?!

Have you ever had a relationship?

Uh, not that would count...

Then, how do you know? How do you know this wouldn't be a good thing for you?

I know...I really do...

But, here I am, in a quandary. Wondering if my box is too comfortable...too safe. And not really knowing how to change.

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Asked...

I asked the Lord where He is in all of the confusion that surrounds my emotions. He responded, of course.

One word.

Waiting.

He is waiting. Waiting for me. Waiting for me to stop trying to succeed, to be on top, to be ahead, to stay ahead, to be strong and stable. He is waiting.

Waiting for a moment of my time. Waiting for a breath. Waiting to make eye-contact.

I'm doing it again. Talking about Him. Begging for Him. But not waiting.

He is waiting. For me.